The birds were chanting, “You’ve got this!” I heard celebration in their sounds. Uplifting, peaceful and exhilarating music. I felt waves of peace, gratitude and contentment. Being at Ragdale felt like giving birth. I was close to what is real and true. I loved being in nature with the birds, insects and especially the flowers. Everything was speaking to me. They were my subjects and seemed to be awaiting my arrival.
Viewing everything through the gaze of an artist, I was in a trance during my seven-day stay. I went inward, and it was a welcomed home. I put every ounce of my being into my work and purpose for being there. Solitude is what I found and what a renewing gift it was and continues to be.
The dedication and discipline it took for me to focus while there was extreme. I kept telling myself that I’ll need to rest at some point; that the pace in which I was creating was not going to last, but it did. Everything I saw I wanted to paint. The first two days I stayed within my comfort zone by painting small interiors and florals on stretched canvas. I was partly going through the motions but also felt like that’s what I needed to do to get acclimated. The paint was flowing, and I was riding the wave.
Looking back, I am delighted with the work I made, how boldly and confidently I created it, and the leaps I took with my subject matter and material. I pushed past the small tight corners of the stretched canvases I have been working on for years, moved on to painting on large sheets of paper then finally painting on a large piece of fabric. I picked up a piece of unstretched linen from the art store before I left. I had always wanted to paint on raw linen, but was scared to try. Purchasing it on a whim, I secretly thought I would end up returning it. At first, that piece of linen rested on the studio couch. It waited for me to work through the stretched canvases and the large sheets of paper hanging on the wall. I would catch a glimpse of it from the corner of my eye patiently standing by. It was as if I had to become unleashed with my work before being able to add paint to the raw linen. On the last day, I did it and a sense of walking, no running down a new path washed over me.
As I was there, I began to question my process over the last several years. I’ve worked from magazine images in the past. I began to feel like I’ve used magazines to hide behind. Hide my own creativity and voice. I’ve relied on those images for so long (about 8 years); however, I do believe it’s time to let them go. Let go of the glossy, perfect images and discover my own world around me and the one inside me. The clippings, the need to hoard magazines, consume and collect has passed. In a very short amount of time I have broken free from my past work. Sitting in my studio now, I am not sure where I will take the work next. Better said, where the work will take me. But, here I am. I will continue to show up here and see what emerges.
One of the greatest gifts I gave myself during the residency was liberation from social media. It was a relief not to have that hanging over my head- what to post, when to post. It is distracting and even detrimental to discovering soul and depth in my work. If I want to continue to connect with myself and uncover what I am seeing and want to express, I need to create space for that to appear. Being on my phone and computer, looking at images and other people’s lives, aesthetics, voices, I do not hear my own. I know there is a time for social media and I am grateful for that outlet. While at Ragdale, I began to find a balance between inspiration and consumption.
Being in the Ragdale home and studio provided not only inspiration for my art but a renewed focus on what’s important for me as an artist and the family environment I wish to create. The Shaw family established Ragdale as a haven and I experienced it as that. It was safe for me to let everything go, to be there fully and paint, to allow myself the freedom, time, head space to dive in and to go deeper and deeper. I’m taking back more than I can absorb right now. I anticipate it will take me many, many days, months, even years to see the impact Ragdale- the space, the welcoming staff and especially the other residents have made on me as an artist, mother, wife, friend, and citizen. I was struck by the importance of being a part of a supportive, creative community. I felt enveloped; like the staff and other residents were there as guides to help me tap into my own voice. I left Ragdale with feelings of serenity and surrender; the ability to see and be; and a strong desire to nurture creativity, self-expression, literature, music and visual arts for my family as the Shaws did at Ragdale. Most importantly, I feel the need to find moments of solitude not only for myself but for each person in my family.
Sitting out on the front porch one afternoon while there, I saw a glimpse of myself autonomous from my children. A wash of tears came over my eyes, a bit of sadness and joy. In the same instant I noticed butterflies playing in the garden nearby and thought of them as my children. It was an image that gave me great comfort and a knowing that all was well. They were okay as was I.
I am proud of myself for standing for that week in my life- this chaotic, kid-centered, husband-centered time and think, damn, I did that. I was able to step away. Immerse, submerge and go for a deep dive and surface as a renewed, powerful artist with so much to share and give. Life as a mother of four and wife to a traveling business executive has come back abrupt and fast. My time at Ragdale was sacred. I reconnected with my artist. I felt her almost for the first time. I had a profound longing for years to see her and there I was able to. Happily, I find that I do have access to her even now as I write. She has always been with me. Now that we have surfaced together we can move forward and create hand in hand instead of me trying to find her. She’s with me, my creative partner.
The beauty and fire of being an artist is that my work will never be done. There is always more to create. Another level to uncover. While there I questioned why I have such a burning desire to make. It is for nothing. For no one. Not even for me. Yet, it is for everyone and everything at the same time.